I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations and the life I expected to be living. But honestly, I have been very hesitant to write about it because I feel like anytime you make the statement “life didn’t meet my expectations”, it immediately carries a negative connotation. And, if I am about to make that statement, I didn’t want it to automatically come across that way. Let me try to explain.

If someone had told me at 14 that I would give birth to my first child at 30, I would have called them crazy.

If someone had told me in 1996 that in the year 2012 I hadn’t been back to Kenya, I would call them a liar.

If someone told me at 16 that Rochester would forever be known as my hometown and that I would still be living here 7 years into my marriage, I would call them mistaken.

If someone had told me my senior year of high school that I would someday marry a drummer, I’d laugh. I’d laugh loudly.

If someone would have told me in my music theory class at Roberts Wesleyan College in 2000 that I would be a music major, theory tutor and opera singer at Nazareth College in 7 years I would have cried. For so many reasons.

If someone had told me three years ago that I would be working part time and a mother full-time, I would have told them they had me confused with someone else, unfortunately.

Every season of my life is characterized by a different plan for my future. I am a master at dreaming up extravagant plans for my life. At any given point over the last 20 years if you were to ask me about my future I could have potentially answered with any of the following aspirations:

  • Missionary
  • Mother
  • Worship Leader
  • Teacher
  • Music Therapist
  • Wife
  • Business Owner
  • Kids Pastor

I am actually very amused as I read through old journal entries at the elaborate plans I was so certain of. I truly have a large and creative imagination when it comes to my talents, dreams, skills and options.

No one could have told me that on April 16, 2012 I would be a first-time mom of a four month old daughter and married to a graphic designer who volunteers by playing drums at a church that I am employed at in the Kids Ministry department, part time, in Rochester, NY. I can find about nine phrases in that one statement that I would have never thought to be true, let alone actually enjoyed and desired. (And that is just one statement of many that I could make about my current status). Nevertheless, I am thrilled to be here and honored to be living this life.

Now, I would be lying if I said that every time one of my expectations of life isn’t met its because something better replaced it. I don’t live in fairy tale bubble. I’m not trying to paint my life as perfect, by any means. But, I am trying to say that I really don’t know best all of the time. I sincerely do not always know exactly what I need and when I need it. The moments I fall into the trap of believing that I do know what’s best all of the time, I limit myself more than I realize.

Often times, I don’t realize until years later just how little I knew. Just how small my dreams were. Just how inaccurate my perceptions were. Just how wrong I was in my thinking.

I’m coming to terms with finding peace in that. In trusting that my expectations are not written in stone when it comes to my future. In trusting that there is Someone who knows better. In trusting that my life is not my own.

I love the way the Message paraphrases it:

“Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.” — Proverbs 16:1 (MSG)

Honestly, I can’t find a conclusion statement for these thoughts. I guess I’ll leave it at that. And let Him have that last word.